The Holiday One-Uppers

The One-Uppers are at it again!

 

Holiday Observer 1: We get so excited about the Christmas season that we put our tree up at the beginning of November!

One-Upper: The day I was born my family literally planted an entire Christmas tree forest up on a mountain that no one else has ever set foot on. Every February we travel 9,000 miles by foot in 10 feet of snow to chop down our tree. In March when we return, we rush to put it up and decorate it. The girth literally takes up every inch of space we have in our home- we have to eat and sleep in the garage. We carefully dip each branch tip in 24 karat gold and hang ornaments that are ONLY handmade, hand-painted, and hand-handled. The tree is topped off with an actual star encased in a clear globe that we captured from space.  We keep the tree alive from March till mid-January with an expensive and extensive and mix of treessential oils.* We keep the branches looking fresh and fibrous by using our patented fiber-branch mascara.**

*Please join our oil group (DoTree-a) to find out how you can be on our team.

**Please join our makeup group (Tree-nique) to watch live demos on how to apply the branch mascara.***

***If you don’t want to join my team, it’s ok, because we can still be friends.****

****No, we can’t at all.

 

 

Holiday Observer 2: We just love taking the kids to see Santa!

One-Upper: My kiddos Sayntah and Krysmas see a different S. Claus every day of the season. I insist on paying 3 times as much ($300 instead of the mere $100 they charge) for the picture with Mr. Kringle because it is SUCH an honor. Instead of saying ‘hi’, in our house we say ‘ho’. I have had 27 surgeries to alter my appearance to match Father Christmas’ face. I recently had a cherry implanted into my nose, which is really exciting. The only food I’ll eat are warm homemade cookies cold glasses of milk.  Most nights I squish my fat, jolly body down into my neighbor’s chimney to leave gifts. I often get caught, and/or burned, but try to spread cheer in the county jail and hospital anyway. I keep coal in my pockets and frequently distribute it, especially while I’m driving. I am in the process of having my name legally changed to the entire poem of T’was the Night Before Christmas.

 

 

Holiday Observer 3: I went shopping on Black Friday and got all the presents for the holidays purchased! I’m done so early! And I saved so much money!

One-Upper: I recently paid off the national debt with the amount of money that I saved on Black Friday. I went to so many stores and walked so much that my Fit Bit literally blew up on my wrist and exploded into a million pieces, so I purchased 70 new Fit Bits because I saved so much money on Black Friday. I bought my 2, 3, and 4-year-old kiddos all full-sized houses and cars as well as 5,900 other presents for this Christmas, and the next 23 Christmases because I love them more than you love your kiddos.

 

 

Holiday Observer 4: I love baking cookies and goodies during the holiday season. The house always smells so good and we like to share our treats with our neighbors.

One-Upper: This year, I’m using my great great great great great grandmother’s top-secret recipe, (she attended the same church as Abraham Lincoln’s close friend) I baked a gingerbread house to scale from scratch and we literally live in it during the holiday season. I frequently invite young children over to take a tour, but sometimes they try to eat some of the house*.

*Most of those kids accidentally fell into my oven.

 

 

Holiday Observer 5: We decided to go on vacation over the Christmas holiday!

One-Upper: Over Christmas, we are visiting every single warm beachy island-y destination on planet earth. Every single one. We’ll stay long enough at each tropical paradise to take carefree pictures of our feet lounging, or of our feet standing in the ocean, or of our feet next to empty room service trays. I hope we’re not TOO warm and comfortable while everyone else is in the awful snow! Lol! I thought of getting my husband a new snow blower for Christmas, but I was totally like, “WHAT FOR?! LOL.” We are SO excited for the kids to help us decorate palms trees and sip coladas by the fire….that we’ll build at night on the BEACH. Where we will be spending Christmas.

 

 

Holiday Observer 6: Oh my gosh! On the frosty first hours of Christmas morning, my boyfriend surprised me and dressed up as Santa, rented real reindeer, sculpted 40 ice angels, hired 700 carolers, bought a snow machine, and decorated the lawn with every inflatable Christmas Minion that Walgreen’s carries just so he could propose and give me the BIGGEST ring I’ve ever seen! I got engaged for Christmas! Best present EVER! I can’t wait to be hubby and wifey!

One-Upper: Oh my gosh! On the frosty first hours of Christmas morning, my boyfriend surprised me and dressed up as Santa, rented real reindeer, sculpted 40 ice angels, hired 700 carolers, bought a snow machine, and decorated the lawn with every inflatable Christmas Minion that Walgreen’s carries just so he could propose and give me the BIGGEST ring I’ve ever seen! I got engaged for Christmas! Best present EVER! I can’t wait to be hubby and wifey!

 

 

Holiday Observer 7: We love to participate in ugly sweater parties at family parties. Haha, it’s so fun!

One-Upper: My sweaters are so ugly that when they tried to enter an ugly sweater contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.” My sweaters are so ugly that they make onions cry. My sweaters are so ugly that they made Hello Kitty say good-bye. My sweaters are so ugly that they gave Freddy Krueger nightmares. My sweaters are so ugly that they went into a haunted house and came out with paychecks. ALSO, I wear ugly socks, ugly shoes, ugly pants, ugly belts, and an ugly face to show how quirky and funny I am. LOL!

 

 

Holiday Observer 8: My kids love when we do Elf of the Shelf every year. It’s become a really fun tradition!

One-Upper: My husband and I both quit our jobs so we can devote all of our time to planning out new hiding spots for the elf. We hide him approximately 34 times every day. We’ve pulled our kids out of school for the entire month so they have enough time to look for him. Our elf wears a new hand-knitted outfit every day of the month. He has real hair, real eyes, and a real body. He’s literally a grown man that we’ve hired to act as our elf. That way, his expressions can match all the hilarious and creative predicaments he finds himself in 34 times a day! We document each and every hiding spot with a new Facebook post. We’ve been unfriended by everyone that we know, but that’s just because they’re jealous of how fun and spontaneous of a family we are.

 

 

Ho, ho, ho-w did you like it? (sorry. That was a really stupid pun, but I’m too tired to go erase it, though. Sorry.)

A special shout-out to my hilarious Onion friends who gave me such hilarious ideas because they’re hilarious. ❤

I hope this lump of coal brought you a little bit of laughter during this holiday season.

Much love and sarcasm,

Capa

 

 

4 Comments


  1. One could say you one-upped your self by putting this one up… Haughty Winter Solstice all the same!

    Reply

  2. I am exhausted trying to figure out how I can Two up the One uppers. Actually, I am really exhausted from laughing at the best Capa ever.

    Reply

  3. Hahaha! I’m glad I waited until i was alone to read this. Hilarious.

    Reply

  4. So FUNNY!!!! I love when I read something that makes me laugh out loud and I look around to see who just heard me do that. You are so clever!

    Reply

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