There’s nothing quite as wildly unsatisfying as reading a vague status on Facebook. “Vaguebooking,” as it is famously-known, is all the rage right now, that ironically, causes literal rage. Why wouldn’t you want to cause your friends serious distress and unsettling feelings when they visit your Timeline? People LOVE to ask, ‘What’s the matter?!’ only to be left hanging, possibly for hours, awaiting a response. It’s also fun for them to get constant notifications from the thread alerting them that several complete strangers are also inquiring about the tragic life-threatening problem that you continue to refuse to elaborate on.
So in this post, I’ll give you a step-by-step guide on how to accurately and effectively make your friends and family want to tear their hair out when they read your intentionally maddening status updates.
1. Write out a perfectly normal status and leave specific details in that would paint a complete picture for your Facebook friends to read. For example:
2. STOP. DON’T POST IT AS IS. It’s terrible. You will get NO likes, and NO comments. No one enjoys reading all the details in one relaxing shot. It needs A LOT of work still!
3. Start by removing all the details of where you are and exactly what really happened. It should look something like this now:
4. Replace all periods with an unnecessary amount of exclamation points:
5. This is looking great. Now use the caps lock key generously to insert just the right amount of alarm:
6. Add in a few more upsetting phrases or words if you’d like to turn up the drama to an 11:
7. Be sure to add more exclamation points- you’ll need an enormous amount. To make it even more believable, sprinkle in a few misspelled words. Don’t forget to top it off by liberally showering the post with crying emoji faces or cats:
8. Look it over. If you yourself are sufficiently frustrated when you read it, it’s ready. POST IT.
9. PERFECT! IT’S BEAUTIFUL. Sit back and watch the “What’s WRONG, hun?” and “WHAT HAPPENED?!” comments come flooding in! You’re probably hungry after all that hard work, so eat a Twix or something. Just wait- it’ll be like a sympathy avalanche and you’re right at the bottom! Eating your Twix! Prepare to be completely buried in the frozen glory of the benefits of Vaguebooking.
10. Immediately unfriend anyone who simply ‘likes’ the post without commenting. They don’t deserve to be on your list. Get in a public spat about it on a page that you mutually like. Drag strangers into the fight. Everyone needs more drama. The more “MJ eating popcorn” memes that get posted in the thread, the better. Try to get at least 4.
10 1/2: Friends who completely ignore the post altogether (and you know they’re on Facebook right now- you saw they just shared a montage of dogs sleeping in Halloween costumes) should be BLOCKED. Both on Facebook, and in life forever, no questions asked. Even if it’s your best friend. Or your mom. Or George Takei.
And that’s it, guys! In no time at all you’ll be the MOST POPULAR person on social media. I know every time I see a vague status, it does not make me want to break my laptop over my knee in a fit of rage.
PLEASE SHARE THIS SO EVERYONE CAN VAGUEBOOK BETTER. IF YOU DON’T, SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I CAN’T SAY WHAT IT IS RIGHT NOW, BUT OH MY GOSH, PLEASE STOP IT FROM HAPPENING.
Love and Vagueness,