Some Dumb Reviews

 



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Successful blogs usually review things.

So, here we go.

 

BILLS

What it is: You give your money away.

My Thoughts: It seems that I have gotten some attention from various places and companies like insurance agencies, hospitals, and even a credit card! I think that maybe they read my blog and thought it was cool so they sent me these bills in the mail to try out and review! So I was pretty stoked to find letters in my mailbox! Seeing my name on the envelope was pretty neat- everyone likes getting mail, you know? Then I opened the letters and the fun feeling sprinted off in the opposite direction. The bills were mostly black and white and had various numbers and words on them. The text was cold and business-like. None of them contained any funny cartoons or candy, which was disappointing. I tried out the bills by sending them my money. Lots of it. So I did that, and waited… and the outcome was sadness and stress. Very unpleasant. And at least in the case of car insurance, I get nothing in return. I’m basically just sending them money for no reason.

The Bottom Line: 2/10- would NOT like to continue. (Progressive, if you’re reading this, thanks for the opportunity to review your bills, but I’m good. You can stop sending them now. I’m just trying to be honest.)

 

KIDS

What it is: Under-grown adults that you have to do things for.

My Thoughts:  I was sent two of them. This is a mixed review. Most of the time they’re great. They are really cute, they do funny things, they give meaning to life, etc. However, it seems like they are defective at times. For example, they leak a lot. Stuff comes out of their noses and bums EVERY day. I don’t feel like that should happen. But yet, here I am, dealing with it. Sometimes their bodies decide that the contents of their stomachs need to exit through their mouths resulting in an epic pool of disaster in their beds- and this usually happens at night. Does that sound normal?  I don’t think it is. Plus, lots of times when I say a certain word, (no) their eyes start leaking. A lot! And they yell. Probably because water is coming out of their eyes and that’s a scary thing. The packaging is flimsy at times, and if it gets damaged, red stuff comes out. More stuff coming out- not my favorite. So, all-in-all, I’m pleased, but I think a few things could be tweaked.

The Bottom Line: 8/10- Will hang on to for at least a few more years. I just need to figure out the leaking.

 

PIZZA

What it is: The best thing.

My Thoughts: It’s good. It’s the best thing.

The Bottom Line: 10/10- 5 stars, 2 thumbs up. It’s the best thing.

 

APARTMENT

What it is:  A place stacked on top of other places where you keep your stuff. A chance to not have to mow lawns.

My Thoughts: I’ve had one of these for a good amount of time. I like it! I think that the pros outweigh the cons. For example, when I hear footsteps above me at night, I know that it’s just my neighbor walking around. If I was in a house, I would assume it was a murderer. Or a ghost. Or the ghost of a murderer. Another cool thing is that you have lots of neighbors in close proximity so you rarely have to buy groceries. You can just go door-to-door Halloween style in your building asking if they have any cups of things that you’re out of (like sugar, bananas, or lasagna.)

The Bottom Line: 8/10- I’m enjoying not being murdered by ghosts.

 

MONEY

What it isThe key to happiness.

My Thoughts: I have a little bit, but I just wanted to mention how much I like this one so that maybe more companies will send me some. I’ll give it glowing reviews. (Money is great and so is your company. Also you have a great personality and I love you.)

The Bottom Line: 113/10

 

DOING THINGS

What it is: Eh. I don’t feel like doing this one right now.

My Thoughts: I’ll do it later, I said.

The Bottom Line: I don’t want to push any number keys, so make up something yourself.

 

TRAFFIC

What it is: Something that makes you want to die. 

My Thoughts: I think traffic is just great! I love it! And I love when I’m sitting in it for hours! I like being late to things and missing out on life events because of traffic. It’s fun! It absolutely doesn’t make me want to rip off my steering wheel so I can use it to choke out rubber-neckers or lazy construction crews! You know what I mean?! I wish there was more traffic! It’s almost as cool as slamming your hand in a car door or throwing up all night!

The Bottom Line: 10/10 FOR SURE!*

*I’m lying

 

EVERYONE READING THIS RIGHT NOW

What it is: A miracle. 

My Thoughts: My thoughts are that you are the best and no one is more attractive than you (except for my husband. Sorry. He’s the most attractive. Then you.) I think you’re all amazing and I think you are awesome and cool and smart and witty! Because you’re so wonderful and fantastic for reading this, as a reward and prize, I’ll send you some of my bills! And kids! Please take care of both and don’t complain or anything because no one likes a complainer.

The Bottom Line: How can such perfection be measured? It can’t. That’s the answer.

 

If you’d like anything reviewed by me, comment below with your suggestions!!!

MUCH LOVE,

CAPA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Comments


  1. Please review NBA referees, swallowing pills and why sleep.

    Reply

  2. Please review my
    laughter at reading your blogs. You are so funny!

    Reply

  3. Haha! Reviewing is one of your best skills! I never knew! I can totally see why you get sent such great stuff. You are so lucky Sara!

    Reply

  4. Pretty perfect review as is, perhaps you could just expand it to a review of toppings: pizzas, bills, kids… what are your favorite toppings for each?

    Reply

  5. I like your apartment review. I do not like living away from people. I am not a country girl. I have a car but I like having public transportation if I need it. I like kids too, but things coming out of them is gross. I disagree with pizza as being the best thing. Tacos are the best thing. Very good review. I’m chinese.

    Reply

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