I was sitting in a silent classroom in Mrs. Pollock’s first grade class while we were taking a test. My family had just moved to Roy, Utah and I was still adjusting to my new elementary school. It’s not easy being the new kid, as most of you might know. I was trying play it super cool and my huge double-layer cotton candy bangs were probably what were helping me make friends. I felt relatively good at that point, although I was still wary of any potential social missteps that might come to pass.
Cue the reason for this post.
So like I said, it was very silent in the room. We were maybe 10 minutes into the test when I felt a sneeze coming on.
“Sara. Don’t let that sneeze out. That would be embarrassing. Everyone will hear you. It will probably be so loud. Can you imagine!? If you sneezed OUT LOUD?? I’d hold it in if I were you.” – Sara’s brain
“Oh man. You’re right. I can hold it in, it shouldn’t be a big deal.” – Sara
“Phew. I was worried there for a minute. You’re the best. Your bangs look great today.” – Sara’s brain
“Thanks. That’s nice of you to notice. I love you. See you soon.” – Sara
“Love you too.” – Sara’s brain
My brain and I had made a decision. The moment of the pre-sneeze came, so I tightly plugged my nose as the full-force of the sneeze overcame me.
“Oh NO. THIS MIGHT HAVE BACKFIRED ON US. WAIT, DON’T PLUG YOUR NOSE, IT COULD…” – Sara’s “brain”
The potential explosion that had attempted to exit my mouth and nose area tragically traveled down into my lower regions resulting in a thunderous fart. You know those startling “booming” fireworks that aren’t that impressive and unnecessarily ear-splitting? This was louder than that. And longer. It was earth-shattering. I’m surprised the earth didn’t literally shatter. The volume had been greatly magnified due to the hard little plastic chair that I was seated on. The roar of my eruption echoed off the blackboard and back into the ears of my stunned classmates. I think the kids in front had their hair blown back a little bit.
“What were you THINKING?! How do I FIX this now?!!” – Sara
*static noise* – Sara’s brain
“Awesome. THANK YOU.” – Sara
Perhaps I should have tried to laugh it off. Or make a joke about it. Or stay silent. Maybe all these 7 year olds had short-term memory loss. They probably already forgot.
Instead of those better options, I LOUDLY blurted out, “I SNEEZED!!!!” But, that was a lie. It might have started out as a sneeze, but I had farted so abruptly and violently that I wasn’t sure if my lower half was still intact. I was 90% sure that I had blown it into pieces.
Luckily, my burning cheeks (both sets) and overwhelming shame and anxiety took over every sense I had, so I am not sure if it smelled or not. If not, that would have broken a Guinness Book of World Record for the loudest toot without it stinking. (If you had that class with me, and remember if it smelled…keep it to yourself, no one cares. No one needs to know, so keep your story developments away.)
After I screamed “I SNEEZED” as loud as possible, I kept my head down and didn’t dare look up. Awkwardly, not one kid said a word. And I mean, there’s no way on earth they didn’t hear it. I was pretty sure students in Nevada heard it. (If you lived in Nevada and you heard my huge fart, keep it to yourself. No one cares. We don’t need to hear your ridiculous story interjections.)
I had just solidified myself as Tooty Sara, Fartara, Stevenstink, The Girl Who Farted Louder Than Anyone Ever Has or Will, or some other sad new name for the rest of the year. The only thing that would save me at that point is if someone pooed their pants in class sometime later in the year. I was already worse-off than Crying Kids, Barfers, and Urinators. There’s a system there that I had no control of.
I somehow managed to curb the embarrassed-crying until later at snack recess. I wolfed my Hostess cupcake as the warm tears cascaded generously down my face. I prepared a well-thought out speech to recite to my parents on why we needed to move tomorrow.
I walked home alone, vowing to never tell a soul (at least I’m not writing about it right now. No one will ever know.) However, I had forgotten that my bloodshot eyes were practically swollen shut from weeping. I have a good mom, so of course she asked me what happened, so I got to relive the whole ordeal. I can’t remember her words of comfort, but I’m sure she patted my puffy hair, hugged me, and told me that everyone toots- it’s ok
And you know what? Everyone DOES toot. Like, every day. I’m confident most of you tooted several times while reading this post. SO IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL THAT I SNEEZE-TOOTED IN FIRST GRADE AND NEARLY SHATTERED MY SOCIAL LIFE FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS.
So the next time you feel a sneeze coming on, let that sucker out. There’s a far more embarrassing noise that could come out of your body.
ACTUALLY NO. LET’S NOT BE ASHAMED OF OUR TOOTS, FARTS, FLATULENCE, BUM BURPS, FLUFFS, SNOOTS, OR GASSY EPISODES.
Everyone toot as loud as you can in public today. Let’s make a difference.
Thank you for reading this. And for still talking to me. I never trusted or listened to my brain again after this, and I’ve never been happier. I haven’t snooted since, although I think about it almost every time I sneeze. It’s terrifying.