I’m no nutritionist, but I researched some things, and have concluded that most of us can’t survive without food. Upon learning this, I thought we could talk about diets a little bit.
I’m not an expert by any means, but I actually am, so I have put together a list of great new diets that we can all choose from so we can all lead better lives.
Failing to heed this nutritional advice is literally dangerous. I personally talked to ‘Chelle Obama in a very vivid FDA-approved dream, so this is all legit and very important. Pay attention.
You should be counting your lucky stars that I even started this blog. Everyone would be dead in a week if I didn’t come forward with this post.
The New Weight Watchers Point Diet: This is a very easy-to-follow diet that will get you great results. It’s all about the points. So, say you want to eat a pizza. On this program, a pizza is 10 points. Easy, okay, so point your finger at the pizza 10 times. Then you can eat it. Plus your fingers are getting a great workout. So, bonus. Log all the things you point at in a point log. Point at yourself in the mirror to boost your confidence at the end of each day. Log that point in the log book as well.
The Outside Diet: One of the reason lots of us are husky is because we don’t get outside in the fresh air often enough. This diet kills two beefy birds with one stone. For this particular diet, the only food you can eat is outside- that’s the only rule. So, for example, gather up a handful of grass and leaves and make a cool salad. Munch on some neat flowers or mushrooms. Other options are produce from gardens and orchards, river water, squirrels, and tacos from a taco cart.
The Toddler Diet: This one is all about food-prep. All the meals you eat will have been previously prepared (by you or sometimes your husband.) All the food will be cut up in little pieces and/or already partially chewed. For this diet, you won’t even need a plate! Simply remove the tray from your toddler’s highchair, plop it on your lap, and enjoy all the grape halves and soggy sandwich squares that remain after your child is done rubbing their dirty hands all over it. Some days you might be super full, since your toddler is insane and won’t eat anything ever for no reason, and other days you might be stuck with just food juice smears. On food juice smear days, just think about how good those skinny jeans will feel.
The Candy Strike Diet: Sugar is very problematic and can cause several health concerns. This diet takes care of those! Simply eliminate all candy from your diet. No candy. NONE. Zero candy ever. And, voila- you’re not eating any sugar and now you’re super healthy! (Disclaimer: fruit snacks don’t count, and are allowed- actually encouraged since it’s mostly fruit. Especially Gushers) (cakes don’t count either, those aren’t candy) (or ice cream) (or toppings that go on the ice cream) (or cupcakes) (or pies) (including Hostess Pies) (or cobbler) (or cookies) (or soda) (or suckers) (Kit Kats are okay since those are delicious.)
The Food Label Diet: We all know that paying attention to food labels with their fat, sugar, and sodium contents is vital when determining what you can and can’t eat. Those high numbers can sway you away and cause you to make a better choice, but you might still be filled with gluttonous lust and left feeling slightly unfulfilled. A way to overcome this is by changing the labels yourself! If you see something that you want really badly, and the saturated fat content is say, 950 grams, simply grab some white out, cover up the ‘950’, and then use a marker to write a 1 instead. REMEMBER to leave the food in the box for a second to give it time to change to its great new number. Then go ahead and eat it, because now it’s healthy! (TIP: this also works for clothing sizes, and most prices at car lots.)
Do-Good-Most-Of-The-Day Diet: So on this diet, you’ll do great all morning and day. You’ll fuel your body with lots of green, healthy, organic stuff that is low carb and high protein. Remember to drink plenty of water too. It will make you feel wonderful! Since you did such a superior job during the day, reward yourself late at night by shoving several loaves of French bread in your mouth. Wash it down with a few liters of Pepsi chased by an entire bag of Cheetos Mix-Ups and a large package of fun size peanut butter Twix bars. Then let your guilt lull you into a disappointing food coma. Don’t forget to be extra gassy and sad in the morning before you decide to eat well again during the day. Repeat all steps until your doctor intervenes and asks you what in the world you’re doing to yourself.
The Social Media Diet: This diet is pretty cool and fun. For this diet, you’ll stay accountable by constantly posting pictures of pretty plates of spectacularly wholesome edibles on various social media sites. Supplement times you don’t post pictures with impressive status updates about exotic fruits and vegetables you are constantly slicing up. Just post and post and post. Never stop. Your friends will be stunned at your obvious superior foodie skills. To follow this diet, Google ‘healthy plates of food’, save every single picture you see, then post them pretending they’re yours. Reply to each friend’s comment of amazement with things like, “Health is dope, yo!” and “Nutrition is the bomb!” Then, make sure to check in at Whole Foods while you’re waiting in line at Little Caesar’s.
The Imagination Diet: Imagine that you’re eating healthy food. Picture yourself being healthy. Smile as you imagine it. Imagine it in the morning, afternoon, and at night. Even while you’re in the shower or eating onion rings or eating onion rings in the shower. This one is hard to stick to, but you can do it. Imagining isn’t for everyone. It’s tough at first, but point to yourself in the mirror again. That helps. Log the point into your log book.
Congratulations, because simply by reading this blog post, you’ve become healthier! Your blood pressure might have gone up significantly after each paragraph, but sharing this post with your friends, family, and other people will lower it again. I absolutely guarantee it.*
Comment below with a diet that you follow, or a diet that you invented. Let’s all help each other not die.
*I don’t, actually. You might need to go visit your doctor.