The One-Upper Parents

 oneupperparent

 

Parent 1: “I don’t let my kids watch very much TV.”

One-Upper Parent: “Well, in our home we have wisely removed the actual T’s and V’s from all of our alphabet visual aids so that we never have to explain what that even is. Also, we call ahead if we’re going somewhere and ask people to cover their entertainment centers with large educational posters so that our children can’t see the TV unit itself.”

 

 

Parent 1: “I gave birth to my baby boy in a hospital. I made it far into labor before I had an epidural and only pushed for 20 mintues.”

One-Upper Parent: “I birthed my child alone deep in the forest on a bed of organic pine needles. My only company was a lone female wolf who led me in several deep-toned breathing exercises. When my son came out of my drug-free body, he immediately started walking and doing common core equations before a bald eagle flew down and swaddled him while the she-wolf and I shared my placenta.”

 

 

Parent 1: “I use essential oils as a supplement to modern medicine. They really benefit our family.”

One-Upper Parent: “I have collected and bottled the tears of pure non-vaccinated non-mainstream vegans who can’t spell the word ‘sugar.’ I use that completely in place of any medicine so as not to poison my children’s bodies. ‘Doctor’ sounds a little too close to the word ‘actor’, don’t you think? Advil? Uh, more like Ad-evil.”

 

 

Parent 1: “I cook very healthy and wholesome meals for me and my family.”

One-Upper Parent: “My family and I have set up a large protest tent outside of our local Taco Bell. We frown, boo, and throw organic rocks at anyone who goes in while I demonstrate what real food is. I cook a stew using Icelandic spring water, kale, more kale, kale, kale, and kale. I simmer it in a pot I made out of bark and stir it with raw chard stalks.”

 

 

Parent 1: “My son is very good at sports. His team does very well and I love watching him play.”

One-Upper Parent: “My 3 year old (who started rolling over when he was 8 hours old, by the way. We never even needed a stroller or anything when we’d go on walks- he’d just roll and roll and roll alongside me.) has been approved for an ultra exclusive secret pre-pre-Olympic camp that literally no one else has ever heard of, including the coaches. We wake him up at 4am every day for his daily smoothie and Cross Fit session. One time we saw Apolo Ohno’s dad’s friend at a mall appearance, and more-or-less he basically literally said that our son is destined to be the greatest athlete of all time.  We sold our house and are living in our SUV so we can be close to the camp- mostly because I need to be training and running along side since I am attached to him. (literally. The umbilical cord hasn’t naturally disconnected yet.)”

 

 

Parent 1: “We decided to let our child decide when he’s ready to potty train.”

One-Upper Parent: “We believe that pee pee and poopies are natural things and good for the environment and have no right to be imprisoned by toilets. We believe that diapers, toilet paper, and potties are all part of a messy scandal- Watercloset Gate.  We have never used typical diapers and encourage our kids to let their bodies decide where, when, and on whom to relieve themselves. If we were meant to be dependant on traditional diapers and bathrooms, then we would have been born with buckets attached to our bums.”

 

 

Parent 1: “I love my kids so much!”

One-Upper Parent: “My 5 children, including my 16 year old, are all attached to me in a sling as I type this.”

 

Hey, thanks for reading this. Your family and friends may care about you, but I care about you more. I actually dedicated this post to you as well as every decision I make and also my life. I am currently carving your face into an expensive marble sculpture so that I can put you in a display case as a shrine in my home.

Much love,

Capa

 

 

9 Comments


  1. I, for one, welcome our new one-upper-parents Uber-Lords!

    Reply

  2. This blog is super funny. It might be funnier if you paid $799 to attend a funny blog writing seminar slash yoga retreat, plus type your blog on a solar-powered, gray water, organic vegan laptop. Just a thought.

    Reply

  3. Hahaha! No one can one up you today.
    You’re funny!

    Reply

  4. I have no idea what individual told you you had the talent it takes to write a wildly entertaining blog . . . but they were right. I L’ed much.

    Reply

  5. I like the comparisons but I don’t get why One Upper Parent “bald”.

    Reply

    1. They’re depicted as being “big headed” lol

      Reply

  6. Hysterical! You are my new favorite!

    Reply

  7. Sometimes maybe you just need to live a more exciting life and you wouldn’t be one upped all the time!

    Reply

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